Pre-Engagement Is Apparently A Thing (WHO KNEW?)

I certainly did not, at least not before today.

I spent a lot of time on APW today, just bouncing from blog to blog, depending on what caught my fancy. I started with the most recent posts, and wandered leisurely from there. For whatever reason, I tend to not browse any of the categories, but today, my mouse scrolled over "Dilemmas" and there, as though waiting for me, was "Engagements & Proposals" - I hadn't even known the tag existed, but I am so very glad I found it.

Apparently, to be Pre-Engaged is to be in the restless limbo that lingers after you've discussed The Future in excruciating detail with your significant other, but before he has actually popped the question (or, before you have popped the question - in my case, I have had moments where I've wanted to propose to him, but we discussed it, and it was very much something that he has been looking forward to doing). Whether or not you've been ring shopping seems to vary depending on the individuals involved, but it seems like most of us have at least expressed a style we like.

I've been ring shopping since October. And that is an entire post in and of itself, but I wanted to wait until I actually had the ring to post it. Regardless, I picked out a ring (several times...) and just last week he ordered it. I think it was shipped today, which means we will (hopefully) get it soon. I won't know, because he had it shipped to his parents' house (I can't decide if this is more or less maddening) so he'll be able to hang onto it for as little or long as he wants.

Logically, this is ok with me. He - unbeknownst to me at the time - went down to Maryland this past Saturday to ask my dad for his blessing, and it went about as well (maybe even slightly better) than we had been hoping. And that was such an integral part of this process for me, that really everything else feels like it wall magically fall into place.

Emotionally, I'm kind of a mess. Because I'm the kind of girl who would be perfectly happy if, one evening while we're cozy on the couch watching a movie, he put his arm around me and asked me then. No fanfare, no production.

But he has a plan. And I am desperately trying to respect this because I know it's going to happen Sometime This Spring, so really I've got, at worst, two and a half agonizing months looming ahead of me - he taunts me on occasion about Spring continuing through the Summer Solstice. And because The Proposal is something he's been thinking about, probably for years, I want to let him have this. So I have to be patient, and let him orchestrate whatever production he wants.

But it's hard.

I'm more at peace with it now than I was this morning, but I still have a long way to go.

We were at dinner for his mom's birthday when he told me he had gone to Maryland that morning (I thought he was having a boys' day with his pals). And I sort of - froze. I went through the motions the rest of the evening while we were at dinner, but once we got home I kind of...shut down. And I felt so ashamed and so worried that this was some kind of Sign, and so panicked because suddenly, after eight solid months of really discussing this, it was becoming real.

I'm lucky, because he told me that we could wait to get engaged. That I could take all the time I needed. But it wasn't that I needed time. It was just the overwhelming emotions that come with such life-altering transitions. And I am at peace with that, thanks to the ladies of APW.

There is a story about one girl who vomited when her boyfriend proposed. Meg was giddy and then burst into sobs - like, ugly, heart-wrenching sobs.

And there are more stories of women reacting in ways that we aren't supposed to react. Or at least, society would have you believe. And because of that, they felt shame. They felt like something was wrong with them. And I felt like something was wrong with me, and he hasn't even proposed yet.

Lucky for me, I read all of these comments and blogs prior to The Proposal, and I mentioned to him that my reaction, apparently, appears to be somewhat universal (perhaps moreso than the giddy, perfect euphoria we're told we're supposed to experience?), and that when he asks, while I will most certainly say some variation of YES OF COURSE OMG FINALLY, he must not be deterred when I undoubtedly go quiet and distant, and at worst, sob ugly, heart-wrenching sobs.

Lucky for me, he trusts me enough to believe me :)

I'm Not Engaged (YET)

So Wot's This, Then?

You can call me AndeeC. I'm 27 years old, and live on the outskirts of Philadelphia with my boyfriend (also known as my Future Husband :) ), three kitter-kids, and a corn snake who thinks she can eat everything. Especially the kitties. Regardless of the fact that she's no thicker than my index finger.

I graduated from college in 2007, and moved here in 2008 for a Master's Degree that I rarely put to use. Come to think of it, I'm not really putting my undergraduate degree to use, either, but that's another story. I worked at a major bookstore from 2007 to 2011, and just this past November finally, finally got a job that I can mold into a career. I work for an ever-expanding bank as, what my friend and I affectionately call, a cube monkey. Basically, I'm the one who creates the loan documents that you sign. It's boring some days, to be sure, but challenging most days, and I think my only complaint is that it's so terribly uncreative.

Which is one of the reasons I'm starting this blog: I'm sort of desperate for some kind of (affordable - read: free) creative outlet. 

 Backstory (But only a little bit!)

I was never the girl who envisioned her wedding at the age of four. In fact, until I was 22 and in a long-term relationship, I fluctuated between believing marriage was just Not For Me and having a vague notion of it being a possibility in the VERY distant future.

I was led to believe that my then-boyfriend wanted the same things I did, with me. I was wrong. But, before I figured that out, the combination of helping one of my best friends plan her wedding and working at a bookstore meant I had weddings on the brain, and a whole arsenal of wedding magazines and resources at my disposal.

Ironic that I had *weddings* on the brain, and *not* marriage. Telling, no? Hindsight, and all that :)

Anyway, who doesn't like looking at pretty things and fantasizing about the possibilities? It's only been over the past six or seven months that I've shifted to a perspective of planning *my* wedding. And man, is it ever difficult to reconcile five years of wedding "research" telling me the Way Things Should Be with the Way *I* Want Things To Be.

WIC & Me (A destructive relationship)

The short of it is a very small part of me suspected that I couldn't possibly be the only one who was not OK with the Wedding Industrial Complex. Every time I tried to do things by the book I would end up frustrated and depressed, and just utterly uninterested with getting engaged, much less with the whole fanfare of a wedding.

So, fed up, I literally Googled "alternative bride" and found my salvation. Offbeat Bride and A Practical Wedding, here's to you! I think it's incredibly important to cultivate, support, and enrich the communities and conversations started by women like Ariel and Meg. They - and their followers! - helped me realize that it's OK to want something different than what I've been told I'm supposed to have. The realization process has been slow and utterly transformative, but that too is for another day.

So Why Blog Now?

I have opinions and ideas - some similar to those that came before me, some different - and I wanted a place to keep track of them all. Mostly, though, I want a way to be a part of these fabulous communities and conversations. 

That being said, comments with your thoughts, experiences, and advice are ALWAYS WELCOME! I would LOVE to hear from you!

My main rule of thumb is to write as though you are speaking to someone face to face, and write as though anyone and everyone you know will see it, and know you wrote it.

I feel strongly that no person planning a wedding - or anything, for that matter! - should feel like a pariah for wanting to do it their way, and I am SO excited to be one more voice in opposition of the WIC dictating the way things HAVE to be. Don't get me wrong - if you are all for everything the WIC throws at you, rock on! I just hate feeling like if I want to deviate at all and do my own thing, add my own personality, that I'm doing it wrong. That's what I don't agree with.

So...hi! And WELCOME!!